October 26, 2020
First day after Labor Day. The vacation for A. has more meaning: I don’t labor. Vacations mean a day at home with my family which can be challenging if I’m feeling the need for space. I get short-tempered and moody. Withdrawn, sullen, a teenager who knows better and feels humiliated by everything outside of their control.
I noted last night my trip to the park. I lay in bed and thought about the perfect form to capture the (my) feeling of the place. Would 3rd person reflect a more honest approach? Do I ‘shut down’ to survive and therefore erase my first-person perspective (I often cannot remember what I’ve been doing when other people are involved, because I’ve done my best to not exist). Shutting down would be negating/ignoring my wants/needs. Last night, I played with forms in my mind. None seemed honest. All highlighted one aspect. The truth would be to look at pure externality/surface. To judge and see for yourself (which would not be a representation of my impressions). Impossible. As any attempt is a selection.
A hectic day (month) awaits: packing, planning, hoping for our future.
