October 22, 2020
What can I profit from coming to these Table Talks (profit in this sense reminds me of Gide’s diaries)? Do I just come for P.? To support my friend? Do the few other white people come to be seen (as allies)? I’ve always preferred not to be noticed; negative or positive attention creating essentially the same anxious reaction. For a long enough time the attention of others meant being hurt.
I am shy. When she was a kid, my mom hid from her parent’s guests in the laundry hamper. This feeling is fear that I’m not welcome. In this space I hesitate. I’m terrified. Is this true, that I’m afraid of not being welcome, of being disliked? Is it a fear of what I think they think I represent or am? Or that they think I’ve come seeking approval of my wokeness? A fear of being taxonomized? Is it that I can’t, have actually been prohibited from, contributing and so I camouflage an involuntary anger with something more positive – anxiety?
If there was something I could profit from it would be to describe how uncomfortable I feel here. None of my explanations satisfy me.
Is it actually that I do want Them to like me, to offer me membership? A white savior complex, because some part of me feels like I was martyred when I was a kid? That I want membership in some group of people like me who have come together to help each other, and I’m basically co-opting? That what they’re doing for each other I want them to do for me?
